Dreams like pieces of a puzzle left lying on the table
Scattered all over the place, like fragments of an unfinished story.
I dreamed about you last night,
You didn’t hear me, You didn’t see me.
I called out to you but my voice was silent
Your eyes were as vacant as the hole in my heart
Ashes of memories blown away by the wind,
I call out you to in the night, will you hear me, will I hear you?
But the silence echoed and sent me nothing but the darkness.
Summer. She tasted salt on her lips as the waves sent the cool breeze rolling against her hair and her cheeks. Her strawberry-colored beach dress with dotted patterns flapped against the wind, revealing her burly calves. Across the distance, the sun was settling in, a giant red orb pulling the waning clouds and the blue sky into its orbit. The sea gulls with their squawks echoing in the air, raced towards the sun, leaving her and the lonely beach behind. Reminders of their existence, their feathers scattered all over the shore and the little food remains they left near the pebbles and rocks, faded among the shadows with the retreating sunlight. The lifeguard had heaved his equipment bag over his shoulder as he headed to the parking lot. He started the engine and was already out and into the streets, passing cars on his way to god-knows-where. No one had seen her. Even the man with the sharpest eyes who could spot the tip of the sails of a ship from nearly a kilometer away had failed to spot her. She had tried her best to stay out of sight.
Above, the blue sky had melted into a ravish violet, which she felt looked like the color of her own heart. Full of mystery, esoteric, complicated and confused. Thin ribbons of clouds trailed along the sky. Then as she watches, an amber glow emanated from the sun. It enveloped everything in its way, into a blanket of orange and gold until it stopped at a point where the remaining indigo of the sky seemed to linger around, casting a soft ombre. She moved her gaze to find herself staring into the ocean. It was dark, daunting and ominous. She had never seen the ocean to be this formidable before although at this moment, it was reflecting off the remaining glow of the sun. Soon, the twilight will completely fade away; the sun will be making its way towards the other side of the earth and if she is lucky, the moon might shine tonight which might save her from the monstrous ocean that was waiting to devour her at any moment.
One, two, three. She walked towards a black opening at the far end of the beach. From a distance, it looked like a cave but smaller in size. Away from the darkness, from the low rumbles of the ocean and the beam of the pale moonlight held against the black sky, she delved in closer and closer to her hearth, to her sanctuary of solitude and peace. The summer wind blew into the opening of the cave. But it had already vanished.
I wish to travel the whole world, traversing the expanse of its width.
I wish to live under the shades of ancient trees while roaming among solitary hills.
I wish to bask myself in the gleam of the falling sunset just to spread my wings so that I could soar across the heavens
until I find a place called home among the solitude of nature–
where the mountains would welcome me with the scent of freshly laden snow and the wind’s whistle and the river’s roar would collide into tranquil symphony.
Nothing feels more mentally agonizing and rueful than the feeling of loneliness. I’ve walked throughout the twenty years of my life with it, bearing it like a stone covered beneath my heart. One of the very first feelings I felt as a child was of being lonely.
It was the feeling of being abandoned when I waited for my grandfather to pick me up after everyone else have left school for their home. It was the strong bulging pain in my throat when my parents boarded the plane without me. It was the betrayal I felt after being forgotten by a friend I trusted and valued so much. It was being excluded in everything people did and everywhere people went to. It was of being distant and oblivious to the chaos of 3 am parties, alcohol and teenage sex. It was the high school cafeteria thrumming with laughter and shouts and I, sitting alone at the corner of the library, as I silently observe.
It was the feeling of entering into a world I was a stranger to, a harsh perilous place I was yet to get accustomed to. It was longing the presence of my loved ones when all there stood before me was the darkness and the cold, brooding emptiness.
It was missing those good yet short memories that passed by, which have left me now in the abysmal circle of void and confusion. It was missing my old self, longing to return to a past that’ll never come back.
But time moves forward and I had no option but to follow its obscure path.
Loneliness was I, in a world that was so full of people but where I still felt like a pathless wanderer, moving from home to home, like a soul with no body.