Solitude Within A Solitude

Nothing feels more mentally agonizing and rueful than the feeling of loneliness. I’ve walked throughout the twenty years of my life with it, bearing it like a stone covered beneath my heart. One of the very first feelings I felt as a child was of being lonely.

It was the feeling of being abandoned when I waited for my grandfather to pick me up after everyone else have left school for their home. It was the strong bulging pain in my throat when my parents boarded the plane without me. It was the betrayal I felt after being forgotten by a friend I trusted and valued so much. It was being excluded in everything people did and everywhere people went to. It was of being distant and oblivious to the chaos of 3 am parties, alcohol and teenage sex. It was the high school cafeteria thrumming with laughter and shouts and I, sitting alone at the corner of the library, as I silently observe.

It was the feeling of entering into a world I was a stranger to, a harsh perilous place I was yet to get accustomed to. It was longing the presence of my loved ones when all there stood before me was the darkness and the cold, brooding emptiness.

It was missing those good yet short memories that passed by, which have left me now in the abysmal circle of void and confusion. It was missing my old self, longing to return to a past that’ll never come back.

But time moves forward and I had no option but to follow its obscure path.

Loneliness was I, in a world that was so full of people but where I still felt like a pathless wanderer, moving from home to home, like a soul with no body.

Turning A New Chapter In Life (pt.2)

Who are you?

Turning through the pages of my book of life, I observe and reminisce about how much times have changed. I look back at the experiences that have shaped me throughout my life into becoming who I am today. The quote, “Who am I is an answer to which there is no clear answer” rings true to my ears. I do not know where fate continues to take me at this moment. However, I do believe that our actions and decisions in life significantly control the paths of our destiny. We make who we are, as people with purposes, treading through an unpredictable journey that’s called life, although there are circumstances beyond our control that fall on us in times we least expect them to happen.

I, for one, have been fortunate enough to not face anything too dramatically tragic, only by the grace of God. Despite not being too religious myself, I believe there are some things such as our moral behavior and lifestyles that later on, reflect the events we encounter. Yet when there are instances such as death and accidents happening, in that case, how can one’s actions be blamed? This is when fate comes into the picture. I guess fate is synonymous with luck. We can never accurately predict the future due to its outcomes. Therefore, I believe that destiny is bigger than what one might think. I believe in the fact that we are all part of a fate that intertwines every single individual together, that we are millions of souls woven together in an ever-revolving cycle of chances and dreams. We are small minute beings in a world that is larger and more expansive than the depth of the universe- that there is more to reality, another life beyond death and where life is only a small stop to a long journey ahead.

In my opinion, turning a new chapter in life means carefully choosing the steps of one’s destiny. According to me, it means choosing my decisions and dealing with their outcomes even if they were not how I expected them to turn out. It means taking every opportunity as they come and to not miss out on anything, lest, I dread and regret later on in life. In other words, it means living as if I’ll die tomorrow and as if the sunset on the horizon will never descend.

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Just Another Rant-Of-Sorts

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Finding the time to write my blog is painstakingly difficult. By the end of the day, I’m just so worn out, too exhausted to do anything except lie on my bed and go to sleep. The past week has been monotonous, going back and forth from college to home, flipping through pages of my thick textbooks or trimming through bundles of stained yellow papers and old assignments in preparation for my impending exam next month. I wonder how different work life would be from uni life once I’m finally out of this lame tedious routine. Sometimes, all I just want to do is pack my suitcase, leave this miserable place and fly off somewhere, to travel and see the world. However, my current situation totally prevents me from taking such an action. With the surmounting tuition fees that increase every year and the fact that I am halfway through getting my degree, it would be the stupidest decision to quit and start over with a different degree. I’d rather not plunge into that. And so, I’ll toil and labor for another two and half years, in preparation for a world I have no intention to be a part of.

Sometimes, I think in my heart that law school must be the biggest mistake of my life. It’s a constant debate of my own, an ensuing argument that takes place inside my own conscience. I don’t see myself as that fearsome, artful litigator, taking her stand in the courtroom in front of the judges and jury, and is so exceptionally skilled and persuasive in her words that she even leaves her opponent speechlessly impressed. I am a person of few words. I am, in other words, someone who enjoys communicating through writing, like what I am doing right now.

Turning A New Chapter In Life (pt.1)

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I can’t believe I finally made it and I’m here, typing out my first post for 2015. Life has been a busy road for the past one year. And these past nine days since the first rays of dawn in 2015 shone bright through my curtain as it spills softly on my white bedroom wall, I just realized how much has transpired up to now. Sometimes, it is easy to forget about the little things that happen in our lives, of small gifts we do not consider too great. But it is these small gifts that become a bigger part of our lives.

For one thing, I believe one of these gifts is my family. For those who have lost a loved one or even their family at some point in their lives, I feel for you my deepest sympathy. So far, I feel lucky not to have experienced such a situation yet but I know in the future that the worse is yet to come because it’s life. Without my family, I can’t imagine where I would’ve stood. Where I would’ve been, How I would’ve lived. Without family, a society cannot be established. Likewise, without family, an individual cannot thrive. These are the people who shape our lives, who mold and create who we are as we grow in this ever-revolving cycle called life. A family is the backbone of one’s identity.

On the other hand, I might sound like I’m referring only to blood-related families but I am also referring to non blood relations as well. Family, in other words, is who make us feel at home and those who make us feel loved, caring for us and giving us shelter. As I grow, mature and discover myself each day, I anticipate with a bit of nostalgia and dread that there would be a day I’d have to leave my family behind and move away to establish a family of my own or even lose someone dear and cherished to my heart. That is how we grow and live in this world.

But who says you have to follow what everyone else does? I, for one, can answer that. And my answer is no. Life is too short, sweet and bitter at the same time. There’s too much to lose before it’s all gone. I aspire to enjoy and live while I can, achieve my dreams and experience the life I want to live. Life is too short and I don’t want to hear Shakespeare’s ‘Seven Ages of Man’ ringing tremulously in my head as I live year after year knowing that my end is nearing closer.

Craving Inspiration

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So how on earth do you get inspired? I suppose all writers stumble on this question in one way or the other.

The first thing I remembered whenever I got inspired to write something was – I already knew what I had to write. I’d write about my pets, events happening in my family, high school, suspicious neighbors, spectacular trips etc etc. My mind was just full of stories that could not wait to be penned down on paper. They were pushing and shoving inside my head, so much to the extent that I felt unable to resist my urge to write them all down. After I finish or have gone through a page, I’d sit back and admire my new creation. It was a great feeling, almost like love.

One of the first points I believe invokes inspiration is experience. Experience shapes the way we perceive life, the way we view the world, the way we understand ourselves and the environment. Experience, in turn, become memories- life lessons to which we could look back in our later years and say, “That was the greatest moment of my life I will always cherish”.

On the contrary, having regrets don’t help us in any way. They only slow us down and prevent us from living fulfilled lives. Instead of that, one should learn to overcome them and take them as lessons to be learned, like a war to be won inside a battlefield. By gaining experiences, we’d be able to introspect our actions, analyze our perceptions and become better versions of ourselves. Going through hardships and obstacles in life is not a walk in the park but it is definitely the first step to a journey of a thousand miles. That is not to say, every experience in life has to be negative. We can cherish the positive ones as well. Only thing is that they don’t compel readers the same way as negative ones would.

Gaining inspiration in order to write a good content, however, is an arduous task and no, it’s not a hyperbole. There are instances where the creative juices don’t seem to pour out at all. Your mind is left empty. And you just leave the page blank all day, weeks then months until you totally forget about it. Another word for that would be procrastination but it’s way worse than that. You need ideas to write and if you can’t find any then where would the inspiration come from?! I know this has been mentioned so many times but noting anything that comes into your head is one of the best ways to keep your mind updated and seek inspiration whenever you least find it. I’ve started doing that owing to the fact that I was so lazy before.

Experience comprise of a larger part of abstract material called ideas. Ideas also consist of knowledge and imagination when it comes to writing. Knowledge is basically the stuffs you already know. Writing from one’s knowledge, particularly gained through experience and learning, is a great source for the backbone of a nice gripping content that would not only keep readers interested but also provide them with new facts and ideas. The third one, imagination, is the most difficult (according to me). I used to find it so easy to imagine a story in my head then pen it down on paper but if you ask me to do that now, I’d be completely stuck. Not everyone has an overactive imagination and if you do, you are one of those lucky ones.

To top it off, inspiration is the writer’s tool. It is her magic wand and when she begins the first stroke of her wand, they form into sentences, paragraphs, bind with ideas and trails of thoughts until finally taking shape into a story. The annoying thing, however, is inspiration doesn’t kick in easily. In my opinion, the easiest ways to get inspired is to open your mind, observe people, go to events, get out there and see the world, talk to people- if you don’t want to talk, listen to conversations, learn something new and most importantly, having a good memory so that you could write all those down again. If not, you can always keep a small notebook handy and jot down at the spot. On the other hand, it’s good to remember that writing doesn’t always guarantee success or sudden shot of fame. It takes time, involves huge amount of patience and of course, finding the right opportunity. As long as you write and keep inspiring yourself, there’s a good chance that you will get there, somehow.